she's back

i've been getting all the signs. my throat has been tight, i've been stalling, i get uncomfortable and frustrated when I speak about it. i mostly want to hide or change the topic when it all comes up.

close up, shut down, move on. a common tactic which never works well for me.

it's vulnerability. she's back. and trying to pry me out of my shell. again.

the past while has had me wonder to myself that maybe i can put my dreams to the side, just hide from the world forever, garden, make crafts, tend to my family, and let the world carry on and figure itself out without me.

which sometimes feels appealing. safe and predictable, not vulnerable. my fear-self wants to stay there.

at the same time, the timing of this wanting to hide is not unusual. something has been emerging. i've been getting clearer and deepening the path in the direction of my work.

all of it feels so raw. i want to protect it and myself.

my desire to see more women confident and comfortable with who they are is as a result of my own learning and experience. this passion of working with women who have lost touch with their bodies, who look for reassurance in all the wrong places, predominately food, is what i am now committing to on a deeper level. being with them on the journey of turning inward for guidance is a total privilege and i relish every moment of it.

for me it is now putting down the 'everyone must like me' cloak in order to stand strong in what i believe in and have been working towards. for some, this approach will be appear to be too mushy or hippie or simply uncomfortable. but for others, it seems to be just the approach they have been craving. and those are who i am here for.

so over and over i have been meeting myself at a point where i can hide, be safe, and ignore the pull or show up, open up and follow it's lead.

vulnerability wins. again.