even when its ugly and messy and cry-y, Im there.
usually reluctantly but always eventually.
i've been there enough times to know that no matter how messy, there are always glimmers of light in the process, or, at the very least, closer to the end of it.
there are secrets that rest somewhere underneath whatever pain or struggle is so pertinant at the time.
and the way for the wisdom and teaching of our experience to find us, is if we let the experience move through us, rather than resist it entirely. in the resistance, we're holding ourselves away from or 'above' the learning.
for me it often feels like i'm like keeping my head above water, holding my breath, and struggling to stay afloat, anxiety and tension rise as i try to not drown. i distract myself with food, phone, harmful thoughts. anything.
but we sometimes have to take the dive underwater to see what all of this is for.
and it doesn't mean we will drown.
often we subconsciously think, 'mmmm nah, don't wanna go there. no thanks. i'm good. i'm fine'. we squirm at the thought of the discomfort waiting for us to visit it. its all seems a little confusing and messy and 'just not right now'.
we can't quite see that the mess we're avoiding, or in, is actually somewhat beautiful. and valuable.
we could never possibly understand the beauty and wonder of ocean reefs from looking at the water's surface. as soon as we gather some goggles and fins we are suddenly brought to a very delicate and captivating world.
emotions or feelings really have one motive, to be felt/seen/heard. all that discomfort wants to be acknowledged and expressed. then it can begin to separate itself from purely being 'discomfort'. and the messy one thousand piece puzzle starts to take shape.
when feelings are not felt, they're stuck, they pile up, they become stagnant. they don't just go away. and our outer lives reflect that.
when feelings are felt, they move, they pass. eventually we come out the other side, a little more humble, a little stronger. a lot lighter.
at some point we connect with wisdom in the experience - insight, coincidences, the right people at the right time etc show up to help through. we have gathered the tools and understanding to move us more confidently into the next phase of inner learning and outer life.
the other route, which i have also traveled many times, is to pretend it is not there, swallow it down, turn away from it. move on with life and get swept away with the crowd. who seem to be doing just fine not feeling it all.
but it doesn’t turn away from us. it follows us. it doesn’t go away. we get heavier, confused, distracted, indecisive and turn to insta-fixes.
taking a breath and diving in is not the easy route. it can be a scary, uncertain world - we have no idea what we will come across or bump into. but our bodies are so wise and truly have our best interest at heart.
let it be messy for a while. remember that feelings and emotions and expressions from our body have no other motive that to be felt and expressed. everything in you is on your side. even when it doesn't feel like it. dive in. discover the beauty.